Traditional Behavioural Couple Therapy (TBCT) is the traditional approach to couple’s counselling. It is based on modifying one’s behaviour through communication in which a couple agrees to understand each other.
However, it has some drawbacks. Studies done on TBCT state, “two years later, 25%-33% of couples say they are worse off than when they went to therapy, and after four years over a third are divorced.” (Niolon, 2015)
Andrew Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson developed Integrative Behavioural Couple Therapy (IBCT). It is a new and advanced approach towards couple’s counselling. They developed IBCT merging techniques from behavioural couple’s therapy with new strategies to nurture “acceptance” and “change” in couples (Grohol, 2011).
The major goals of IBCT is to enhance the level of communication which enables partners to share their emotions, feelings and thoughts. By doing so they can really understand the point of view of their spouses. There are many things that can’t be changed about a person. The other person should try to motivate himself or herself to look at things from a different perspective and understand that no one is perfect.
In order to address such problems, IBCT suggests that it is better for both spouses to accept, understand and respect the limitations and differences of the other spouse. Blame game cannot help them in solving their problems. Yes, it is hard to see your partner not willing to change. The only way in such a situation to lead a happy life is to learn to accept the differences and try to appreciate them rather than change them if they are not necessarily harmful. This is possible by mentally stepping into the shoes of your spouse and trying to look at things from his/her perspective. One should try to show good behaviour towards their spouses and have less expectations from them.
There are many important Islamic Counselling Techniques that can be integrated into IBCT to make it more effective.
The first and foremost technique is developing the attitude of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a great value taught by Islam. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said in an authentic hadith, in Saheeh Al-Adab Al-Mufrad:
اغْفِرُوا يَغْفِرِ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ
[forgive and Allah will forgive you.]
It has been rightly said that those who do not forgive burn the bridge over which they themselves have to cross someday. All of us are in need of Allah to forgive us and Allah forgives those who forgive others.
Researches are showing that people arrive to different profits and benefits in terms physical, psychological and mental health by forgiveness!
As yet, there is no consensual definition of forgiveness in modern psychology despite the increase in research on the topic (McCullough, Pargament, & Thoresen, 2000). However, in Islamic concept there are two types of forgiveness. One is called Magfirah. It means to not punish a person for his mistakes. Another is calledafuw. It means altogether forgetting that the person made a mistake or as if the person never made the mistake. Allah says in the Quran:
وَلْيَعْفُوا وَلْيَصْفَحُوا أَ لَا تُحِبُّونَ أَن يَغْفِرَ اللَّهُ لَكُمْ وَاللَّهُ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ
Let them pardon and overlook. Would you not love for Allah to forgive you? Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.
(Surah An-Nur 24:22)
The word used in this verse to asking people to pardon is afuw!
Therefore, a husband or a wife must be educated about this concept of forgiveness in Islam so that they can forgive each other and look the other way. This will increase the love and understanding between them. An important result of forgiveness is that the person who is forgiven tends to not repeat the mistake again.
Seif and Bahari (2003) have examined the relation between pardon and couple mental health and showed that there is a significant relationship between forgiveness and mental health. Khodayarifard, Ghobari Bonab and Faqihi, and Trbaty (2003) have studied the forgiveness therapy method from Islamic perspective and concluded that using forgiveness therapy is effective in the correction of thoughts, feelings and behaviour of offended people and improving relations.
Another important aspect of Islamic Counselling is the involvement of elders from both the families of husband and wife who should try to make the couple come to an understanding about their differences. Islam doesn’t encourage a person to think about divorce at the very onset of marital problems. Quran asks a couple to involve the family elders who can counsel both the partners with their experiences about life and educate them about different aspects of marital life so that they can understand that compromises are a part of life.
We have professionally trained counsellors available in modern times. It is obvious that a professionally trained person can provide better counselling than a non-professional. However, the concept of involving elders from both the sides has its own benefits. Being relatives, they are expected to be much sincerer towards the couple than a mere professional who might be providing counselling only to earn a livelihood. Moreover, the spouses too are expected to trust their own elders and relatives more than they can trust a stranger even if he is a professional. The mutual trust between the counsellor and the counselled is the most fundamental requirement for the success of any counselling. The real life experience of these elders is another plus point.
However, it must be noted that elders might be more likely to fuel the fire in uneducated or uncivilised environments. Sometimes the parents or siblings of one or both the spouses are the actual cause of discord. In many cases mothers-in-law of both the spouses tend to widen the gap between the husband and the wife due to jealousy, lack of education or wrong counselling.
Hence, the choice of counsellor must be made properly. Only the one who is sincere, educated, experienced and mature must be chosen.Another Islamic counselling technique that can be incorporated here is the concept of loving a person for the sake of Allah. They should love their partner for the sake of Allah. In a Hadith it is mentioned, “Verily. Allah would say on the Day of Resurrection: Where are those who have mutual love for My Glory's sake? Today I shall shelter them in My shadow when there is no other shadow but the shadow of Mine.” (Sahih Muslim, 2566)
A husband should be made to understand that Islam demands from him to love his wife for the sake of Allah and he will be rewarded for the same on the day of judgement. Same counselling should be given to the wife. This will make them show love and care for the other partner even if they themselves feel neglected. As a result, due to their extra love and care, there are good chances that the other partner may reciprocate the same and develop positive feelings. In this way, the problems of marital life can be solved or at least properly managed.
Most important counselling technique from Islamic Perspective is to develop the concept of Aakhirah in a person. It helps in solving all the problems of human life. It reduces the feelings and desires of greed, oppressiveness, promiscuity, anger etc which are responsible for most of the problems of human beings especially in the sphere of marital life. The concept of Aakhirah and love of Allah develops humbleness, humility, tolerance and sincerity in a person which are vital qualities for living a happy marital life.
Bibliography
Grohol, J. M. (2011, July 24). World of Psychology. Retrieved December 30, 2015, from PsychCentral: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/24/integrative-behavioral-couple-therapy-where-acceptance-is-key/2/
Khodayarifard, M, Ghobari Bonab, and Ali Faqihi (2003). Application of Forgiveness passed in mental therapist emphasized the Islamic perspective, The first International Conference on the role of religion in mental health. Khodayarifard , M, (2003). Forgiveness applications over the mental therapist emphasized the Islamic perspective, Journal of thought and behavior, the eighth number one.
McCullough, M. E., Worthington, E. L, & Rachal, K. C. (1997). Interpersonal forgiving in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73, 321-336.
Muslim, Muhammad bin al-Hajjaj, Saheeh Muslim, Beirut: Dar ihyaa al-turaas al-arabi, 2010
Niolon, R. (2015, April 29). Integrated Behavioral Couples Therapy. Retrieved 12 30, 2015, from PsychPage: http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/ibct.html